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  • Writer's pictureMr. Pat

The Witch

Updated: Jul 19, 2021

The 158th review!

Well, it's back to the overnights for me once again, I guess it wouldn't be October with me not doing the morning show. Becca doesn't want to watch horror movies when I have to leave at 10 PM, so at midnight I watched...

The Witch (2015)

I didn't like this movie. Here's the story, a man and his family get kicked out of their puritan village (it takes place in the 1600's) because the town wasn't Christian enough for his liking. There's a few scenes where the family are wandering until the dad finds a suitable place to set up shop and start over. Soon after a witch kidnaps the baby, and in a truly disturbing scene murders the child and rubs its blood all over herself.

After that, nothing happens. The movie thinks it can live off the scare from the beginning and have literally nothing happen for about an hour. I don't know if it was because I was tired, or because there was nothing to keep my attention, but I nodded off quite a few times. The movie crawls along, and the dialogue was taken from old diaries, so everyone waxes poetic in hard-to-understand English very fast. It also does another really annoying thing that artsy films do to try and show off. They end a scene by having a static shot of a closeup of someone's face for about 15 seconds then fading to black for another five seconds. I hate that. It's not clever, it's a time waster. There's probably about a minute or two where it's nothing but black.

The family starts going crazy, the boy gets raped by a witch after staring at his sister's boobs, the mother is a wreck after the baby disappears, the dad locks the surviving children inside a house by boarding it shut, then lets a black goat aptly named, "Black Phillip" kill him. The goat stabs him with his horn, he picks up an ax, then throws it away and lets Black Phillip kill him.

Some things I did like, it's very atmospheric. The movie used no artificial light, so the only light the movie gives you is either sunlight, candle light, or sun light, it's pretty cool. There's also a really chilling scene at the end when the main girl walks into a tent with Black Phillip. But then really sputters out at the end. But it being an independent film I was able to guess the ending. Movies that burst out on the scene with pomp and circumstance are guaranteed to have the most depressing ending ever, or in this case, aggravating ending.

Plus this movie killed a dog, so fuck this movie.

1.5 Dr. Chainsaws.

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