John Carpenter's Vampires

I can't pinpoint exactly when my love of horror started, but I've been a fan for as long as I can remember. All I know is that I was very young, and it's been obvious for everyone who's known me for longer than a cup of coffee. I used to ride my bike to Family Video (RIP) often and would come home with multiple VHS tapes. One time, I came home, and my brother Mike and his friend Tony were in the backyard. Mike saw what was in my hands and asked, "What did you get?"

Tony, without skipping a beat, said, "Vampires Who Eat People 2."

I thought it was funny at the time, but looking back at it, it's even funnier when I think about it. Not only is the title silly, but apparently it did well enough to warrant a sequel. I'd like to think that in some alternate universe, there is a successful Vampires Who Eat People franchise. Speaking of which, let's talk about...

John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)

When I saw this forever ago, I had no idea it was based on the book Vampire$ by the appropriately named John Steakley. After reading the book last year, I have wanted to revisit the movie to see how they compare. After finishing the film, if I could paraphrase "Honest Trailers," for fans of the book, Vampires the movie, "has everything you loved... about the title."

The original author did the screenplay before a ton of rewrites, and said, in the end, the script took much of his dialogue while having none of the plot. And yeah, I can see that. The first 15 minutes or so are pretty similar, between novel and film but then the movie takes a left turn and keeps going so you can no longer recognize the two. The movie starts with Jack Crow and his band of vampire hunters in a small New Mexico town. They clear out an abandoned home full of vampires in a very business-like manner, showing they're very good at what they do. The problem is, while they killed a bunch, they couldn't find the "Master Vampire."

Only Jack Crow, played by James Woods, seems bothered by this. We fast forward a bit and come to a small hotel, humorously called "The Sun God Hotel." The beer is flowing, and the ladies of the night are plentiful. Deep in their cups, the master decides to crash the party and murders everyone, except for Jack, his right-hand man Montoya, and one of the hookers who was bitten by the vampire Valek. As they're making their escape, the vampire calls out Crow's name, sending the plot into motion.

From there, the movie goes from one bloody showdown to another with James Woods being James Woods, and it's a joy to watch every time he's on camera. In the book, Crow masks how deeply he's broken with bravado, seeming like he wants to take on the vampires so one of them can finally kill him and put him out of his misery. Woods' Crow is a man of action! He's got the leather jacket, sunglasses with a small cigar dangling from his clenched teeth. It's like everything in this movie is designed to make Crow look like a badass. With anyone else, you would probably roll your eyes at it, but Woods plays it so straight. There are no winks to the audience; he is all business and awesome. And top of all of that, he is still full of sass as well!

It's weird how the movie can balance the violence and high stakes with some of the one-liners that get thrown around. Near the end, they're fighting vamps inside a small town prison. Montoya has a vampire cornered, and before he sticks her with the weapon, he asks, "How do you like your streak, BITCH?!"

There are plenty of lines like that, but I think because James Woods doesn't let the movie turn into a cartoon, those silly lines sound practically normal. Anyways, with the team wiped out, it's just Jack, Montoya, a new priest and the prostitute to find and kill Valek. They took the woman because she was bitten by a master, so until she turns completely, they can use the telepathic link between her and Valek, to find out where he is, so they, as Woods says can "Shove a stake up his ass!"

I like this movie, always have. James Woods is a great actor, and it's always awesome seeing him in roles where he can cut loose. His Hades in Disney's Hercules is an all-time Disney villain. In this movie, Woods had a deal with director John Carpenter; he would do a scene as written, and the next take, he'd be able to improvise. Carpenter said that a lot of his changes were brilliant, and I have some ideas of what was improvised and what wasn't. And Carpenter had norhing but good things about his experience working with Woods. In any case, Jack Crow isn't particularly likable, but there's just something about him that is so compelling and entertaining.

Here's an example: Crow meets with a Cardinal after his team is wiped out. The Cardinal gives him the unfortunate news that the young priest, Father Adam, will be joining him, and he is not to pursue Valek. Of course, Crow doesn't listen and at one point drops an "F" bomb while talking with Montoya. Father Adam rebukes him by saying, "Language!"

Crow gives him an "Are you serious?" look. A short time later, he tells Montoya that, of course, they're going after Valek, and they aren't listening to the Cardinal. Father Adam doesn't like that and says he's going to call Cardinal Alba to let him know. Crow casually strolls over to the priest, yanks the phone away, hits him in the face with it and then simply says, "Language."

Much like Near Dark, this movie is a Western wrapped up in a vampire movie. It's actually the reason Carpenter chose to direct it. I don't know why, but Westerns and vampires go together like peanut butter and jelly. I can't explain it, it just feels right. Surprisingly, this was Carpenter's last financially successful film. It was also the movie that convinced Carpenter to continue making films, saying he had a lot of fun making it. It's crazy that the future of one of horror's greatest director depended on how much fun he had making this movie.

As for the movie itself, I agree with Roger Ebert that it's not scary, but that doesn't mean it isn't a good time. It's a really cool premise, but I wish they had done more with it. The book delves more deeply into it. But the idea of vampire hunters, all gruff, big assholes being funded by the Vatican to kill vampires, is such a cool idea. I know they made a sequel starring Jon Bon Jovi, that may dive more into the lore, but I can't imagine I'm going to watch it. Without James Woods, I don't really know if this movie succeeds. None of the characters are particularly likable, except for Father Adam, but James Woods is just so cool. He's a no-nonsense asshole who happens to be very good at killing vampires. He runs into danger with his trademark glare, and it seems like every line is designed to reinforce how big of a badass he is. It's wonderful.

For a movie that's built on a string of bloody showdowns, the story was engaging! They didn't need to go into the backstory of Valek, they could have easily been vague about why he was such a strong vampire, but I really enjoyed the lore behind him. Basically he was a Catholic priest that pissed off the Vatican and they realized he was possessed. So they tried an exorcism on him and it failed quite spectacularly. They refered to it as a "reverse exorcism." In a normal exorcism, they cast out the demon and the person is OK. However, in their attempt, the ritual killed the priest's body and the possessed spirit remained. That's actually really cool. Then when you dive into his motivation and his overall goal, and he makes for a very cool, and scary villain.

Come for the vampire action, stay to watch James Woods work!

8.5 Dr. Chainsaws!