Sweet Revenge

Long before Hulk Hogan dropped the big leg on Gawker, Deadspin was a shell of its former self, and very rarely did it post anything of substance. But it did have one recurring gag that I really enjoyed. The writers never wrote about fantasy football because they'd always, rightly, say, "No one cares about your fantasy team." Every year, they'd make a post in mid-August titled, "Tell Us About Your Fantasy Team!" and then would lock the comments. I always got a kick out of it. Why do I bring that up, you ask? Well, after about 10 or so years of having terrible teams, it's week five and I'm in second place! Anyways, let's discuss...

Sweet Revenge (2025)

I had to look this up, but the Friday the 13th lawsuit and the fallout have been going on for nine years! Nine years we've been dealing with this shit. I've talked about it ad nauseam, but I absolutely loved the Friday the 13th video game. I'm not exaggerating one bit when I say that it was easily one of the most fun games I've ever played. I can still give you the details of the first time I escaped Jason. My heart was pounding as I watched the timer, waiting for the police to get there. The lawsuit was a convenient excuse for Gun Media to duck out and abandon their game like they did for Texas Chainsaw Massacre and soon-to-be Halloween, but I digress. What I'm trying to say is that there's been a serious lack of Jason in my life.

I've been watching a lot of fan films of Jay Bird, and they vary in quality, although I'd put Never Hike Alone up there with the best of them. Anyway, when the announcement of the Jason Universe started, I was skeptical. When I saw the mask he would be wearing, I was even more skeptical. Now, after watching the latest Angry Orchard commercial, I mean official Friday the 13th short film, I guess I've hit the final stage of grief, acceptance.

We open with a group of pretty young women and men heading out for a weekend on the lake. A man owns parts of the old Camp Crystal Lake, and he rents it out to people. Unfortunately for our plucky heroes, this is still Jason's territory, and he is not happy with folk trespassing on his land. From there, murder ensues.

I need to get spoilery here because I want to mention what I disliked most about it. The protagonist, Eve, is canoeing in the middle of the day when Jason pulls her underwater and drowns her. The movie flashes forward to nighttime, and she emerges from the lake a little worse for wear but otherwise pretty good. She stumbles back to the houses and sees the aftermath of Jason's handiwork. We then follow her as she heads back to her cabin to find her fiancé making out with another girl in front of their friends. It's stupid, but it's only 13 minutes long, so they have to cram everything in as quickly as possible.

Jason shows up, throws Eve through the window, then stabs his machete into her. Jason was always a big proponent of throwing people through windows, so I'm glad they added that little bit. While Jason is trying to kill another girl with an apple corer, Eve pulls the machete out of her and manages to escape. At this point, I'm wondering what the hell I'm watching until Eve and the girl her beau was making out with escape, only for Eve to murder her, crash the car, and casually walk out of the car. From there, we get a staredown between her and Jay Bird before she charges, before we roll credits.

As an aside, Lincoln does NOT like it when I call Jason "Jay Bird."

Obviously, Eve shouldn't have survived all that. Being underwater for hours is not conducive to a long life. Clearly, the lake brought her back. But I don't get it. Drowning doesn't give you powers, because Jason drowned Sandra Casey in Part VII, and she never came back. The director gave an explanation that the lake has special powers, and she came back because she was betrayed right before she died. I don't like that... at all. Jason wasn't resurrected in the water. Jason survived the supposed drowning. He was alive in parts two, three and four. He was only brought back to life in the sixth one after his body was struck by lightning in his grave.

Jason needs to hit the gym!

I also didn't like the look of Jason. Of course, he was wearing a jacket because filmmakers are obsessed with that look, but other than that, he was too small to be Jason. Outside of Part II, Jason has always been a big guy; you can tell that under that mask is a monster. In this one, Jason doesn't look imposing or intimidating. He just seems like some dude. From what I've been reading, the actor who played Jason is like 6'4, so a lot of that could be blamed on the way the short film was shot. With that said, he still looked too skinny. But, I read that Adam Scherr, better known as Braun Strowman for you wrestling fans, is in talks to play the man behind the mask. He stands a good 6'8 and near 400 pounds. While that may be a bit big for Jason, it's a lot better than having a skinny Jason.

I can't complain too much because it's finally more Jason, but I don't care for the direction it seems to be headed. The short film isn't good or bad; it just kind of exists. It's like they're throwing out a fishing line and seeing if anything will nibble. Who knows, maybe all these Angry Orchard commercials will eventually help bring Jason back to the big screen, where he belongs. Until then, we're just going to have to live with this...

5 Dr. Chainsaws!