Bloodsucka Jones vs. The Creeping Death
Updated: Jul 19, 2021
The 275th review overall!
Fire Brian Kelly. Anyways, on the last day of my post-vacation, vacation the family and I went to Oak Openings and got lost in the woods again, but a good time was had by all. After that we came home and enjoyed a nice dinner. But before all that, and after turning off the Notre Dame game, plus a few beers later we sat down and watched...
Bloodsucka Jones vs. The Creeping Death (2017) Blu-ray we bought.
I had never heard of this movie before, but when Dear, President Baby and I went to the horror convention in July a man at booth stopped us, he then started talking about the movie Bloodsucka Jones and Becca and I figured, what the hell? It can’t hurt to help out a small independent film and it would provide an interesting title when I do my reviews. Let me tell you, I’m glad I forked over the money and would gladly do it again.
This movie is insane in the absolute best possible way. I was sold the sequel to the movie but thankfully this one helpfully catches you up. A dude meets a girl, but she’s a vampire. Then a group of dude-bro vamps shows up with popped collars. The man enlists the help of a vampire hunter, but he can’t do it alone. They then call legendary bad ass Bloodsucka Jones. From there the b/f gets bit and one of the vampires get hit by a car.
The movie picks up from there, the vampire and one of the hunters are in a hospital together, the hunter has good insurance so he’s having a blast during his stay, the vampire, Stewart... not so much. First off, he lost too much blood, so he’s no longer a vampire. Plus, the nurse and orderlies working on him are real assholes. Fed up with everything, Stewart concocts a potion, puts it in the chocolate pudding (he HATES chocolate pudding) and turns them into zombies in order to take over the world.
That’s about as much as the plot I can give away that matters. Remember when I said this movie is insane? It’s the goofiest thing I’ve ever had the pleasure to watch. In the beginning there’s this gag that’s funny the first time you see it and hilarious the second time. During a camera pan, the movement stops on a girl standing on a sidewalk. It gives her information and a fun fact at the end, her’s is, “once punched out John Stamos in a bar fight.” I got a chuckle but then later in the movie they show a hamster and you get the information and the final one is also, “once punched out John Stamos in a bar fight.” It’s one of the rare things that’s funnier to picture than actually seeing it.
I could give you more of the plot but really none of it matters because things keep changing at the drop of a hat. At one point, the main antagonist just ups and joins the good guys because he’s tired of his crew. Then there’s a running joke that Bloodsucka and Stewart are fat, so they do a ridiculously, hilarious Rocky III montage spoof. Later, he decides he doesn’t want to be with the good guys anymore so he switches back, but only for a trade. So, the baddies get Stewart, but they have to give up one of the zombies in their inner circle. I can’t do it justice but by this point I was laughing so hard at the absurdity, telling my wife, “This is so stupid, but I love it.”
The movie keeps introducing characters only for them to die like minutes later and it’s always a blast. My favorite, is when the good guys are looking for sidekicks. One of them comes back with Professor Googly Eyes, a puppet with, you guessed it, googly eyes! It’s mildly funny at first, but then they show his certificate to prove he’s a professor and he quickly became my favorite character. He, sadly, meets his end because he makes an untimely fat joke at Bloodsucka Jones’ expense, it was weird because I actually felt bad at his death.
I’m doing my best to give you an idea of the absurdity of this movie and I know I’m failing. So I’ll just say this, you should find a way to watch this because it’s a whole lot of fun. None of it makes sense but it doesn’t matter because that’s part of the joy of it. Everyone spends their time chewing the scenery and they seem to be doing the impossible and having more fun acting in it than I had watching it, which is quite the accomplishment because this movie is a blast.